I came across this article on Huffington post, and think it’s important for every couple to read this. It may also serve as a guidance for others getting married in the near future too!
At a restaurant recently, I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation
between two women sitting at the neighboring table. One was uncertain
and disillusioned in her marriage of 20-plus years. She had a lot of
complaints about her husband. He wasn’t there to defend himself but it
seemed as if he couldn’t do much of anything the right way. He didn’t do
his fair share around the house, didn’t do enough with the kids, knew
exactly when his favorite baseball team was on TV but was clueless when
it was Back to School night, and on and on. Her friend, divorced and
actively dating, was sympathetic.
It brought me back to a moment
seared in my mind: My then-husband and I were in the couples therapist’s
office trying to understand why our marriage imploded. Suddenly, he
glared at me angrily and, pointing his finger, accused me of having to
have the bed pillows placed a certain way.
Pillows? We were
spending $125 an hour to talk to a therapist about pillows when we
clearly had so many other things to talk about — like his longtime
affair?
That was a big “aha” moment. First, I realized our
therapist was pretty crappy (she was promptly replaced) and, second, it
illuminated how the daily annoyances of living with someone can add up
to a lot of anger and resentment and lead you straight to divorce court.
Having kids doesn’t help the situation, either.
I have no idea if
men complain about their wives the way wives complain about their
husbands. My guess is that unless she’s a total nag or control freak,
they don’t, especially if she’s still relatively fit and attractive,
knows how to cook, handles all the kid stuff and still wants to have
sex. But the conversation I overheard is a familiar one; in fact, I’ve
heard some variation of it expressed by almost every married woman I
know. And it’s not that I hang around with a bunch of complainers,
either; a few years ago Parenting magazine ran an article by Martha
Brockenbrough based on the results of a survey of more than 1,000 moms
that detailed just how many of them were ticked off at their husbands.
It was called, appropriately, “Mad at Dad.” Why are women so angry?
Writes Brockenbrough:
“We
spend more mental energy on the details of parenting. We’re mad that
having children has turned our lives upside down much more than theirs.
We’re mad that these guys, who can manage businesses or keep track of
thousands of pieces of sports trivia, can be clueless when it comes to
what our kids are eating and what supplies they need for school. And
more than anything else, we’re mad that they get more time to themselves
than we do.”
It isn’t a happy situation being married and feeling
like you don’t have an equal partner. But disgruntled spouses need to
realize what it’s like to not have a partner at all, and getting
sympathetic support from friends isn’t necessarily helping them see the
big picture.
And the big picture looks like this: get divorced and
you’ll probably still be “mad at dad” while also taking care of
everything by yourself — even the tasks your ex did “wrong.” Yes, you’ll
have everything just the way you want it and be able to call the shots,
but you’ll also be poorer and a lot more exhausted, mentally and
physically. You’ll find yourself pondering “lonely” versus “alone.” And
while there may indeed be someone better “out there” for you, you aren’t
going to have all that much time to find him, depending on your custody
arrangement.
If I sound like a bitter divorcee, well, I’m not. My
former husband and I had an amicable divorce, we co-parent well and
we’re both happier solo. I even found someone better “out there.” While
I’m certainly not against divorce — especially since I’ve done it twice —
it should only be considered if you’ve exhausted all other ways to keep
your marriage together, especially if you have kids.
Instead of
sympathy, the disgruntled wife I overheard needed a friend to challenge
her — is her relationship more important than all the niggling things
her hubby does to annoy her? “Every annoyance in a relationship is
really a two-way street. Partners focus on what they’re getting, not on
what they’re giving,” writes Jay Dixit in Psychology Today. “But no
matter how frustrating a partner’s behavior, your interpretation is the
greater part of it. What matters is the meaning you attach to it.
“If you want to stay in a relationship, something needs to change. In all likelihood, it’s you.”
And
it’s funny how easily people do change — after they divorce. Nowadays I
often don’t even make my bed, let alone put the pillows on it.
by Vicki Larson
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