I need help. I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years with a man and am newly engaged. He plays football overseas and I am finishing school to get my bachelors degree, so for the most part, our relationship is primarily long distance.
We have found a way to make it work despite being apart for 9-10
months out of the year (I often go to visit him and he comes to visit
me). Long story short, I caught him looking at gay porn. Actually, all
sorts of weird porn honestly, but what stood out to me the most was the
gay porn.
Anyway, I was devastated and confronted him and asked
him if he was gay. He of course denied it and said that he was just
really freaky (and he is) and said that he watches so much porn because
he is overseas and does not want to cheat on me.
Eventually he
just started getting off to any and everything he could find. During our
argument, I repeatedly tried to get him to admit to me that he was gay
because of course, looking at gay porn obviously makes you gay right?
He
said he’d stop looking at it if it bothers me, but I wanted him to stop
looking at it because it’s wrong, and it’s gay. He tried to make it
seem like any sex is sex and just because that is what he watches it
doesn’t mean that’s what he wants to do with me or anyone else of that
matter, it’s just freaky to him.
It’s been a year and I’ve often
checked his computer and he hasn’t been on those websites since. Well,
at least not to my finding. Am I wrong for feeling like this makes him
gay and feeling like he will leave me for a man or something crazy
like that because I’m a hypocrite!?!
However, I fear that when he
leaves again, he’ll start looking at it again once he gets bored or
even worse decide to experiment during our engagement or worse after
we’re married! I mean he clearly fantasizes about being with, a man or
at least a transvestite, right?
It is because of this that I am
hesitant to marry him and obviously cannot stop thinking about his
sexuality. I try to be an open book and keep communication open between
us, but this topic clearly makes him uncomfortable to talk about. He
treats me like a freaking diamond, is extremely romantic and thoughtful,
manly, God-fearing, sexy, and very successful.
I absolutely adore
his family, and he mine and we pray together. He’s everything any woman
would want in a man, except I am not sure if he is gay/bi, even though
he tries to make it clear that I am his end all be all.
I don’t
want to look back and wish I’d made a different decision, especially if
he comes out of the closet on me and embarrasses me later on. We’ve talked about it since, but something is just not right. He wants
to marry me soooo badly (so we can finally have kids and live
together), but these insecurities are really killing me. I don’t know
how to feel, think, or what to do. And, I have not told anyone. I need
advice, help.
No comments:
Post a Comment